a step of faith

I finally understand what taking a step of faith means. It means taking one step in the direction God has called you despite everything in you wishing so badly to stay where you are or even to go backwards. That’s where I’m at right now and where I am HARDCORE struggling. The last of my friends leave for college today and I am crushed. Each time one of them leave, as I lay in bed at night, sadness, doubt, fear, and jealousy creep into my life. I am beyond sad about each of my beautiful friends leaving and heading off to college. What I wouldn’t give to have them all back here and to get to experience all of senior year and the fun things we did again. I want so badly to stay in that season of life. I don‘t want the seasons to change. I don’t want them to leave. My flesh wants them to stay and for everything to keep going on as is. They’re going to go off to college and will have the most incredible time. And that sucks. Because they’re going to move on into the next season of life and it’s going to be so amazing, but I won’t be there. And that’s sooooo unbelievably hard to handle right now. Fear and doubt whisper to my spirit that I can’t do YWAM, that God was wrong choosing me to do it. Doubt whispers that I am not good enough for it, that I was not made for it, that I should be going to college because that’s what I am good at. Fear whispers that I won’t make new friends, that I’ll hate it all, and that I won’t know where to go and what to do next.

All of these emotions are so raw within me. But in those moments when I can’t do it anymore I feel God lifting my tear streaked, puffy red face up and say “look at me.” He reminds me of the sermon I heard recently about Moses. He, like me, was called by God to go somewhere else and to save the people of Israel. And all he does is give excuses to why he isn’t the right person. I feel that. Why me? Why not so and so because they are way more friendly? Why not _____ because they are more fearless? And God asks Moses to throw down his staff. God turns the staff into a snake. He asks Moses to put His arm in his robe and pull it out. God covers it with leprosy. He asks Moses to dump some water on the ground. God turns the water to blood. In each of those instances, Moses brought what he had and God did the rest. All Moses had was a staff, a hand, and some water. God did everything else. In those moments I feel doubt began to creep in, I feel God say, “Do you have arms? Do you have legs? Do you have a voice? Then trust me, go, and I’ll do the rest.”

So I release this season of my life to God. He blessed me so abundantly in this season. He gave me everything I needed when I needed it most. He brought the right people into my life at the right time. He was so gracious and merciful to me. But it’s time for me to take a step of faith into my next season, not saying “I don’t know how I am going to do this” but rather saying “God I can’t wait to see how YOU do this.” I simply have to trust God to do what He did in the previous season of my life: bring what I need when I need it in accordance with His crazy, incredible plan on my life. And that’s what you need to believe in your life. He hasn’t gotten you this far to abandon you. Trust Him as the seasons change because even in the ebb and flow of life, His fantastic love remains constant. It reminds me of this song by Chris Tomlin:

How great is our God, sing with me How great is our God, and all will see How great, how great is our God

Name above all names Worthy of our praise My heart will sing How great is our God

other songs that have gotten me through this changing of the seasons:

Still in Control by Mack Brock

Song of Ascent by Hillsong

Called Me Higher by All Sons and Daughters

See a Victory by Elevation

King of My Heart by Bethel

Seasons Change by United Pursuit