As the end of my junior year approached, I made the decision to run for senior class president. Little background on that decision: I ran for student council all 4 years of high school. I only won once (and that time I ran unopposed so did I really win?). But I went ahead and ran again because I don't give up. I campaigned, I worked hard, I wrote the best speech I could, and I lost. Ouch. That moment in my life, the moment I heard that I lost, pushed me over the edge. I went home and cried until I threw up. And then kept crying. For many people they think, "wow big deal you lost. move on." I think that too. But I wasn't crying for the sole reason of losing. I was crying because I was done. That moment opened the dam holding back all these emotions, these feelings I had been pushing down and ignoring. You see, my whole life I was a disappointment. I never measured up. I always fell short. I was never the best. I could never be good enough. I was never the smartest, never the best at soccer or tennis, never the one others picked first, I had never been pursued by a boy, and I had always had friends treat me in ways that made my heart feel like I was nothing. And losing class council just pushed me over the edge. "No one likes you." "You are nothing." "You will never amount to anything." "God doesn't really love you." "If God really loved you, He wouldn't let this happen to you." These were all the lies I remember sitting on the floor of my room hearing the enemy whisper to my heart. And the fact that I grew up hearing the truths of God did not help. I knew God loved me. I knew He had a plan for me. I knew He knew better than me. I knew He was in control. But it didn't take away the pain my heart was feeling. The more and more I thought about everything up to that moment God had allowed me to go through, the angrier and angrier I became at God. He loves me? Garbage. He cares for me? Trash. He has greater plans for me? False. He didn't love me. No, He couldn't love me AND let me go through all the crap I had gone through in my life. I was so unbelievably angry at God, full of so much pain and hurt I did not know how I was going to get up and face the next day. But I did. I walked painfully through the day, having to distance myself every so often when the pain overwhelmed me and I felt so alone. But lucky me, church was that night. I went because it was what I was supposed to do. But I did not sing during the first two songs of worship. "You are alive in us, nothing can take your place." Straight crap. God isn't alive in me, He doesn't love me, and He has left me. But spoiler alert: God was right beside me the entire time just waiting for me to turn to Him. Third worship song comes on. It's So Will I by Hillsong United. Little back story: So Will I is my song. It is my FAVORITE SONG EVER. I encountered God for one of the first times during that song. My church had never sang that song before. Ever. And here I was angry as can be at God and this song comes on. (Let me tell you something: God has a sense of humor. And He often is in heaven laughing at how completely incompetent I am sometimes.) Within 2 seconds of the song starting, I'm crying. Because God knew right in that moment what I needed. I was broken in that moment. But God smiled on me and spoke to my heart through this song and said, "See I do love you." God romanced me, spoke to my heart, and showed me his grace and love through that song. So I began to release my anger towards God. I knew He was right there and that all the things I knew were true. He loved me, treasured me, cherished me, and had great plans for me. Not only that but He spoke to me during the song. The lyrics go like this: "If the stars were made to worship, so will I." God said to me in that moment, "It's not about you. It's about me and my kingdom." You see, I was focusing so hard on myself. My pain. My plans. My thoughts that I knew better than God, that I had better plans. God was telling me to take my attention of myself and put it on Him. And that changed my life forever.
Hear me when I say this: First, God is romancing you every day. He knows what you need when you need it. A gorgeous sunset, a certain song, a breath of fresh air, or a text from a friend. He watches over you and puts those things in your life right when you need it. For me it was the song So Will I when I was in one of the angriest and darkest places in my life. Second, this life isn't about you. Everything you do is all for the Lord and His kingdom. A life lived any other way is empty. Give your everything to Him and He will give you the desires of your heart. If you focus on yourself, you will always come up short. You will be disappointed. You will never be enough. But God is always enough. He is walking beside you, romancing you, calling out to you, "Turn to me, not_______." Today, adjust your vision. Shift your focus of yourself and all the things going wrong in your life and turn towards God and focus on all the things going right in your life.